Dive In!

#43: Or Don't

I was talking to a friend last night and he was insisting that I go diving with white sharks in Australia. Now I really don't know if he's trying to erase me from the face of the earth or what but I must say, he was pretty convincing. If I weren't the stubborn person that I am, I'd probably be shopping for scuba gear right now and prepping myself to learn shark language to properly communicate with them. "Kind sir, please don't chew my leg." (Come on. If you've read "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," you'd know the value of communicating with sea creatures, especially dolphins. But I digress.)

As I was saying, it will take more than good arguments to send me diving. I, for one, do not know how to swim. I dread the prospect of drowning or dying underwater due to some equipment malfunction. (Now, I don't dread dying. I just don't like having that happen to me in the deep blue sea.) It'll be like sending someone who can't speak to bargain for her life on the phone.

Another, I don't fancy fishes. Big ones, small ones, colorful ones... most of them, if not all, belong to either the National Geographic Channel or on nice plates with sauce. Well, at least that's what I think. I don't need to see them up close and personal unless they're behind engineered glass swimming around as the walkalator takes me to the other end of the park where the souvenir shops are.

There was this one time that I made a fantastic turn on the jetski and this fish flipped out of the water and onto the "floor" of the jetski. I freaked out so much I, brace yourself, jumped into the sea to avoid it. Brilliant, huh?

A former officemate of mine dared me to go diving with him and just as I was about agree, he told me that he actually planned on putting bread on my head 100 feet underwater so that fishes would attack me and end my life. And that effectively snuffed out whatever tiny desire I had to dive.

To drive the stake deeper into the heart of this concept, here's what I think about wetsuits and rental scuba equipment: They are rich repositories of fungus and other microbes known (and unknown) to mankind. Really. Next time they make you put that air regulator thingie-whatever in your mouth, think of the last person who had it in his. Then think of all the cavities that person has. Yum. Then as you wear the wetsuit, ask yourself if you really believe that those things EVER completely dry out. Think of molds growing on your skin. Think of how happy your dermatologist will be to see you after your trip. You will be promptly donated to science and you will be her sure ticket to fame. Yeah baby!

So there. This may just be ignorance speaking at this point but until there is an extremely compelling reason for me to dive with white sharks circling my underwater cage, I will refuse to take any part in such an exercise. In the meantime, I'll just be concentrating on learning dolphin-speak for "So long and no thanks for all the fish!"